Friday, February 19, 2010

Is Zombie Porn the New Frontier? (Satire) by Kane X. Faucher


Is Zombie Porn the New Frontier?
by Kane X. Faucher

Just about every conceivable craven fetish, neurotic fancy, and narrative scenario has been employed for the porn market, but it occurred to me today in an all-too-common flash of mental crookedness that the use of zombies has not been explored as a possible new direction for pornography.

Sex and death are very commonly connected in psychoanalysis and in far too many dotty ancient Greek dramas from which psychoanalysis takes all its cues. However, what is patently erotic about dead things? Usually, if dead things are involved in porn, this is called necrophilia, but that entails at least one living being perpetrating the act since, well, dead things are rather inactive. But zombies are neither living nor dead: they are paradoxically “living corpses”, the undecidable that is resolved in zombie films as either being brought back to life or, more commonly, ultimately destroyed. What we have to consider, ghastly as it may be to those whose sensibilities were engineered by Nancy Reagan, is what zombie porn would look like.

We are not talking about a living being having sex with a zombie. Zombies characteristically do not seem all that interested in the living being’s organs of generation as they are in their grey bits between the ears. Unless, of course, it is true that men’s brains are located much due south of where they ought to be, which would be the premise for a kind of anthropophagic blowjob. As a matter of purity, let us just consider two zombies in an act of copulation.

The zombie aspect is slow and rotting. They shamble about in their funereal garments dragging their dead limbs with their persistent zeal to acquire brains. If they did copulate, it would perhaps be akin to watching two very fatigued geriatric partners in an advanced stage of leprosy. It would be agonizingly slow, and perhaps would more please an audience interested in viewing “sensual” sex in all its slow-motion minutiae. There isn’t much dialogue zombies are capable of, so a textual narrative would be hard to construct, and the prelude prattle of foreplay would be nonexistent. This would also present insurmountable difficulties for writing literary zombierotica.

But perhaps it is the case that zombies are indeed erotic, or at least perpetually aroused. If one were to speed up their low, burbling vocalizations, it would most likely sound like a nonstop orgasm. Another benefit inherent to the zombie constitution would be that their body parts would fall off and could be used as sex toys. Moreover, their bodies being in a partial state of rigor mortis (in this context a kind of “rigor vita”), they are constantly ready for sexual engagement.

The benefits of zombie sex would be its guilt-free nature: no chance of pregnancy, and STDs can only affect those with a living immune system. The only possible drawback to be on the lookout for would be the choking hazard presented by “deepthroating” a penis that may detach from the body at any time. However, one of the benefits of zombies in their decaying state is that lubrication is not a problem given that the genitals are squishy from rot.

As a director, it would prove very difficult to obtain cooperation from zombies. They tend to be insistently driven to eat brains, and will most likely walk into walls looking for an exit rather than to engage in the acts of nasty. Zombies prove very difficult to reason with, and seem to lack some very basic reasoning skills outside of their pursuit of our juicy brains. It is uncertain if zombies have a sex drive at all, or if they are merely in repressed denial due to the trauma of being undead. Due to their uncontrollable appetite, zombie fluffers would have to be employed. To offset the costs of long film footage production, it would be better to set up a time-lapse camera. Also, the number of scenarios zombie copulators would be capable of appearing in would be limited to abandoned farm houses and malls.

Despite these inherent difficulties in producing zombie porn, it would fill a much-needed market niche, presenting a pornographic alternative for accountants, bankers, obituary writers, and elderly republicans.



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