Sexual Education For Young Men
by Kane X. Faucher
As an experienced enthusiast of the more carnal delights, I would like to take this splendid opportunity to instruct our more reluctant and uncertain young lads on the ethics of human sexuality, and to thenceforth dispel many of the myths and rumours that needlessly circulate among the equally mystified boarders after lights out at the private school.
Sexuality is no laughing matter, and I beg of you not to titter nervously as I speak with candour about the details of the mechanics of love.
As you are all young lads who are shaping up to become fine, upstanding and productive citizens in our great Empire, long may She live, you have doubtless entered into that completely natural phase of human development known as "puberty" which is marked by some very noticeable changes. Your voice deepens, your chest becomes broader, manly hair begins to sprout where ‘twas nary a smooth infant's patch of skin, and a confusing motley of hormonal thoughts begin beguiling the young man which distracts him from the noble pursuits of his studies. As well, you become curious about the opposite sex.
One of the major events in becoming a man is the erection. You have perhaps already experienced this physical rigidifying of your male organ of generation, and experienced this at a most inopportune time. It is a completely natural thing, although it is something you must experience in the cowering of shame. Yes, it is morally healthy for a young man to embrace the shame of having his first erection, for indeed this priapic moment is the end of your childlike innocence. It is a beastly thing, the erection, and all methods must be employed to disguise it.
You may feel overcome by a desire to fondle and play with your erection. I strongly and morally advise against this, and recommend that when you feel this desire, to return to the Good Book and read the passages on Onan whom God punished for wasting his seed. Masturbation is a clinical illness, a terrible mania that spoils the morals of a young man, leading to the abuse of opiates, withdrawal from family, corruption of all good sense, and failure at one's studies. Physically, it corrodes the powers of the mind, brings about the terrible symptom of growing hair on one's palms, and eventually leads to lunacy. Those who have not heeded the apotheosis of masturbation find themselves in only a few short years in lunatic asylums or prison workhouses. Be forewarned! Such moral turpitude awaits those who allow their idle hands to stray in the service of the devil's work. Such temptation must be averted, for one moment between the legs is an eternity in damnation.
So, it is with the virtues of shame and self-chastity that one may then consider procuring a member of the fairer sex to complete the natural act. I must stress that homosexuality is a horrible sin, and such things that await masturbators are multiplied for those who would unnaturally couple with their own gender.
Your first carnal experience should occur in a brothel. There is no shame in purchasing the services of a seasoned slattern just so long as one never speaks about it. It is a natural rite of passage for all young men, but certain care must be taken to perform this task under the cover of night and anonymity. Everyone from the lowly cobbler to the King of England has had his first experience with a whore. The prohibitions against pre-marital sex do not apply if it is mediated through the means of commerce. This bodes true as well for infidelity when one is married and continues to visit the brothel. This is quite acceptable, but it must not become public knowledge. It is a necessary means of tempering the beast within us all so that we may return to our wives pure and relaxed of heart, resuming our lives as good husbands.
The sexual act should occur in darkness. As well, the man shall take only one position: the dominant top position while the woman lies passively beneath. The act should not take longer than a few minutes since it is a bit distasteful for all involved, and is merely a means of either procreating or to alleviate a dire physical need. Once you are married, your wife is legally obliged to provide this service regardless of her protests. The sexual act with one's wife should coincide with the marriage anniversary, for to perform this act too commonly with one's wife is unhealthy and is indicative of severe nymphomania--a condition that can only be cured with leeches and forced ice baths, not to mention various chemical cures forcibly applied by our medical profession.
If you follow the above advice, you will retain your moral fibre and enjoy a healthy sexual life.
Dr. Kane X. Faucher is an FIMS/MIT Instructor at The University of Western Ontario. He is also a freelance writer for Scene Magazine, Co-editor of The Raging Face, The Drill Press, and Sorrowland Press, and the interview editor of Ditch Poetry. He is additionally the author of Urdoxa (2004), Codex Obscura (2005), Fort & Da (2006), Calqueform, Astrozoica, De Incunabliad (2007), Jonkil Dies, Tales Pinned on a Complete Ass: Travel to Romania (2009), and The Vicious Circulation of Dr Catastrope (2009). His website is Kane X Faucher.